Laird Halling I Fun Stuff I 503-698-2092

16545 SW Cynthia St., Beaverton, OR 97007 | Phone: 503-642-2125

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FUN STUFF

HYMNS FOR THE OVER-50 CROWD

Precious Lord, Take My Hand, And Help Me Up
It Is Well with My Soul, But My Knees Hurt
Nobody Knows the Trouble I Have Seeing
Just a Slower Walk with Thee
Count Your Many Birthdays, Name Them One by One
Go Tell It on the Mountain, But Speak Up
Give Me the Old Timers' Religion
Blessed Insurance
Guide Me O Thou Great Jehovah, I've Forgotten Where I Parked

Laird's Famous Wacky Answering Machine Messages

Carol.mp3	Jingle.mp3
Mice.mp3	Saxrap.mp3

“A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a goodnight story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. Then, she would touch her own cheek, thoughtfully. Finally she spoke, "Grandpa, did God make you?" "Yes, sweetheart," he answered. "God made me a long time ago." "Did God make me too?" she asked. "Yes, indeed, honey," he answered. "God made you just a little while ago." She touched his face and then her own again. "He's getting better at it, isn't He?" she said.”

Everything I need to know, I learned from Noah's Ark...

Don't miss the boat.
Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.
Stay fit. When you're 60 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
Build your future on high ground.
For safety's sake, travel in pairs.
Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
When you're stressed, float awhile.
Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
No matter the storm, when you are with God, there's always a rainbow waiting.

"St. Peter was checking ID's at the Pearly Gate. He asked a man, ``What did you do on Earth?'' The man said, ``I was a doctor.'' St. Peter said, ``Ok, go right through those pearly gates. Next! What did you do on Earth?'' ``I was a school teacher.'' ``Go right through those pearly gates. Next! And what did you do on Earth?'' ``I was a musician.'' ``Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the kitchen...''

Musical Instrument Jokes
How do you tell the difference between a violinist and a dog? The dog knows when to stop scratching. String players' motto: ``It's better to be sharp than out of tune.'' Why is a violinist like a Scud missile? Both are offensive and inaccurate. Did you hear about the violist who bragged that he could play 32nd notes? The rest of the orchestra didn't believe him, so he proved it by playing one. How do you get a 'cellist to play fortissimo? Write ``pp, espressivo'' Did you hear about the bassist who was so out of tune his section noticed? Why are harps like elderly parents? Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars. What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A flat minor. The audience at a piano recital were appalled when a telephone rang just off stage. Without missing a note the soloist glanced toward the wings and called, If that's my agent, tell him I'm working!'' What is the definition of a half step? Two oboes playing in unison. Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from the bassoon recital. What's an oboe? It's an ill wind that nobody blows good What's the definition of ``nerd?'' Someone who owns his own alto clarinet. What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain? Gifted. What's the definition of an optimist? A sax player with a mortgage. How many French horn players does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks. How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb? None. They have a machine to do it for them. Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes? So you don't have to retrain the drummers. What do you call someone who hangs out with musicians? A drummer.				How do you get a drummer to play an accelerando? Ask him to play in 4/4 at a steady 120 bpm. Why do bands have bass players? To translate for the drummer. What is a gentleman? Somebody who knows how to play the accordian, but doesn't. What's the difference between a banjo and a chain saw? The chain saw has greater dynamic range. What's the difference between a banjo and a cattle grid? People slow down before they drive over a cattle grid. Did you hear about the electric bass player who was so bad that even the lead singer noticed? How do you get a guitar player to play softer? Give him some sheet music. How do you make him stop? Put notes on it! Why do bagpipe players walk while they play? To get away from the noise. How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb? One, two, three, one, two, three... There were two people walking down the street. One was a musician. The other didn't have any money either. What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawn mower? 1. You can tune a lawnmower. 2. The neighbors are upset if you borrow a lawnmower and don't return it. What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds? Government bonds eventually mature and earn money. What's the difference between a bass trombone and a chain saw? 1. Vibrato. 2. It's easier to improvise on a chainsaw. What do you call a trombonist with a beeper? A optimist. How do you know when there's a trombonist at your door? His hat says ``Domino's'' What kind of calendar does a trombonist use for his gigs? Year-At-A-Glance. ''How can you make a trombone sound like a french horn? Stick your hand in the bell and play a lot of wrong notes.

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